Your head bounces up and down on the cold bus window like a bobblehead doll. For you, it’s actually a massage, sending vibrations all the way down your spine. The ride home from work may be long but at the very least you’ve found a way to self-medicate. The constant vibrations have a calming effect that relaxes your chaotic mind.
Outside it’s a nasty day, dark and gloomy. Clouds overwhelm the sunlight while rain slams against the ground. The weather matches your mood. The twelve-hour shift you just endured took everything you had to push through. Today is only your second week at your new job as a nurse and you hate it. The word “hate” has always rubbed you the wrong way, but in this case, it’s fully justified. You’ve worked years to finally be a nurse, only to realize you’ve set yourself up for desolation. All the restless nights obsessively studying only to finally arrive at a place in life you don’t like. You always felt that life would be better once you finally hit your career goals, but that was a lie. Content is just about as far away as it has ever been.
You hop off the bus and walk home. The idea of food is probably the only positive thought you have at the moment. It’s freezing outside so you find yourself jogging through the rain.
You finally get to your apartment, eat and shower. The last three hours of your day typically consists of YouTube and constant dopamine hits from TikTok. If anything, it helps takes you away from reality. Watching a vlog of someone else’s life seems to help numb your mental anguish, but not entirely. Overthinking has seemingly become your best friend at nights. It’s as if your own thoughts have a ransom with your happiness, yet what they want in exchange is a mystery. They appear and find ways to pull you back to embarrassing, sad and frustrating moments in your life. You swim in deep waters of guilt and self-pity almost every night.
It’s already midnight, yet your mind is over stimulated, more so than usual this evening. You have work tomorrow early and you already dread your alarm clock screaming your name. The light flicks off as you roll over. As you lie in the darkness, staring at the ceiling, a voice is heard. You jump in shock, terrified. The sheets cover your entire body, and you’re in a curled-up ball. After several long seconds you peak over your comforter to see a figure standing. Before you can scream in horror, a deep voice says, ” Fear not, For I am God from above. I have an important message for you”. As your ears connect with his words, peace and content overwhelm your consciousness. Mental liberation and euphoria hug you like a warm blanket. His presence is powerful and confident.
He tells you that you have twenty-four hours to write down as many wishes as your heart desires and he will fulfill all of them. As quickly as he appeared, he is gone. The darkness in your room is back as you sit in your bed, Indian style. In your utter shock you take the whole night to sit and deeply consider all the nice things you want in this life. You quickly know you want loads of money; radical physical changes and you would love to be famous. This is your chance at making your life perfect. You find yourself up all night writing down all your wishes and even call out of work. Five pages later, the wishes are all written down.
He comes back down the following evening, and you hand him your list of “needs”. He gladly blesses you with every wish your heart craved for. He smiles and disappears. You immediately run to the mirror and see the new version of yourself. The perfect body, face and height is staring back in the reflection. You look like a model! Even the stretch marks that annoyed you are gone. Every single aspect of a perfect body is what you’ve become. Before you get too much time to soak in the dopamine, your mind is infatuated with something else…money. You frantically check your online account and there are so many zeros that you have to count them slowly. Billions upon billions of dollars. Just like that you never need to ever work again. The bank account in your name holds almost more than anyone in the country. You’re comprehending second by second so many things you can do in the future and the happiness that your life has now. As you are lost in this euphoria, a noise goes off in the other room. It’s your phone that was lying on the bed. Notifications are going off at such a rate that you immediately run to your settings to turn them off. You check your Instagram to discover that you have more followers than a Kardashian. You sit down on your bed lost in deep thought. The odd feelings of shock mixed with pure bliss intoxicate your consciousness. The next few hours are surreal, calling family and absorbing this exciting new life. You know this is all you could ever desire. Perfection is now the new normal.
Several weeks pass by. Conveniences in your life now are smothering you with love. If there was a heaven thought possible on earth…you’re walking in it. You have so much money you find yourself giving it to people and donating to charities. You move to a much bigger house with privacy. Work is a thing of the past now. Exotic vacations and foreign vehicles are the new norm. Your DM’s are crammed with so many options of the opposite sex it’s easy. Life requires little to no effort anymore. It’s all comfort and peace. The amount of bliss you’re experiencing now compared to before is night and day. Money does buy happiness.
Months pass by. One morning as you are waking up from a long night out of partying in Vegas, you oddly find yourself analyzing your ears of all things. In that moment, they seem to be a little large. It’s an odd feeling considering life has been pure bliss since God blessed you. The thought is only in your mind for a short time before it is swapped with positivity. You giggle to yourself considering you are technically, perfect. The thought deteriorates in your mind as you run back to your room to pack for the next exotic vacation.
A few more months pass by. Slowly the ears are starting to honestly bother you. They’re just too big. It has very subtly become an insecurity to your consciousness. To make matters worse, you also realize that you could have made a mistake on your height. Physically your waist should have been brought in just a little tighter. Just the day before you were sitting thinking about your money and how you were almost the richest individual in the world…but still not the richest. That was troubling. This is supposed to be a heaven on earth, isn’t it? You literally have everything you ever desired yet you still find room for mental debates. You’re struggling with Bouts of guilt knowing that you should be more grateful, but your negative thoughts are constantly coming out victorious.
A few nights later you find yourself tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Overthinking, to the point of sweaty hands. As time has passed you realize that externally life is magnificent, internally your mind is slowly becoming like its old self. It’s obsessively hyper-focused on the fact that you are experiencing insecurities. It’s not just the fact that you have them, but they are coming off of something that “should” be perfect. You had one shot at doing it right but instead you clearly didn’t put enough wishes. You didn’t specify enough maybe? How could this be? How could you get your own height wrong? Why didn’t you just ask for a little more money to at least be number one in the world? You find yourself questioning dozens of different things that should have been perfect. Day after day these questions and thoughts commit mental warfare all through the evenings with no hints of a cease fire.
One evening after a wild night out in the city, you stumble into your bed. You’ve been out drinking all evening. The constant highs have caused you to lose all self-control. Tonight, you feel empty and overwhelmed. The realization that your life isn’t ‘enough” for you to be happy, is depressing. It’s already two o’clock in the morning and your mind is wired. You’re deeply confused and lost in life.
As you lie in the dark, a deep voice is heard. You know immediately who it is, but this time you’re everything but peaceful. Fear is hugging you tightly. God has returned, his bold presence floating near your bed. You fall to your knees in pure and utter fear knowing that he knows all your thoughts. You feel completely naked and guilty for having even one negative thought towards his blessings. The struggle to move is a reality and you can’t even look up to him. Sweat profusely falls to the ground from the anxiety that covers you like a blanket.
He lovingly helps you up off your feet. To your shock he has a big smile on his face. You find yourself verbally asking for forgiveness without him even asking for it. Tears roll down your face. He looks at you, pushes your chin up a bit. “Do not fear. Do not be ashamed. You are human. I love you. You are my child. I wanted you to understand that without content even perfection fails at happiness“.
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NO ATTACHMENT IS FREEDOM 